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"Oh, you need to have counter arguments in your paper, you just dont write them"
Ive decided to start headings with stuff the Nazi Bitch Whore Professor has said in class that ive made note of.
Im really, really tired these days, and theres very little that lifts my spirits. My to do list grows faster than I can deal with it. My usual plan of knocking out the small things so I can focus on the big ones has fallen apart as the small ones breed like the ignorant and the big ones almost outnumber them. I feel like im in the middle of one of those periods that shapes the next few years of my life, and while everyone else seems to be rolling along with it just fine, im lost. Its like a missed a big meeting on how not to fuck up. And it doesnt help that everyone that I thought was in the same boat as me, isnt. Those who have suffered with me "dear god i think i fucked up, i know how that is" then come back with 98%s and making the Dean's List, or a friend of the family bails them out hardcore, or just some sort of break. Meanwhile im still stuck in fucksville. And honestly, its not that im jealous. Im seriously happy for all of these people. Im not expecting some miracle help or something to fall in my lap. I just wish that i had someone to go through it all with. I know how easy it is to tell someone "things will work out, dont worry" or "itll all get done", ive said it many a time myself. But these days it feels ridiculously empty to hear, and it pisses me off. If that makes any sense.
I feel like ive been through so many hoops trying to to get myself in a position to do something with my life, and its still out of reach. I still dont feel like i have an edge, or that im any better off than the bully that everyone told me 'dont worry, when you grow up youll be making all sorts of money and he'll be flipping burgers'. Im not seeing it. Maybe ill be his manager, but thats about it.
Most of this is just the result of way too much work, way too little sleep, and little to no release. And bad dreams. I have nightly nightmares, most of them school related, but ive also had several 'the world is ending' dreams. Where everyone dies. Not personally how i like to start my day. I can tell its all having an effect too. I feel so detatched from everything its scary. Its like my brain is trying to escape my body.
I loathe money.
I want to take a month long course in international relations this summer in France, but im not going to be able to afford it.
I was just tempted to go on a political rant, but im too tired. I hate all the candidates, and i hate Bush. They all suck. And none of it really matters. Side with the left, the planet suffers Death by Culture, side with the right the planet Dies by Intolerance. Choose your flavor.
Ok, i gotta go to bed. Im tired. Just needed to vent a bit. Just please dont tell me "everything will be okay".